matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
