In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
