Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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