So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
