he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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