yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
look no pants
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
