I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize