I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
