i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
