very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
