I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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