The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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