I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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