At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
