Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
