Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
