I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
