We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
