i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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