My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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