ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
