someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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