He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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