New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
