my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
