I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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