the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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