Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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