I accidentally had phone sex last night
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
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I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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