Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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