Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
