I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
