I didn't shave. On purpose
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
