I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
