Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
