watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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