At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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