pop tarts are not kleenex
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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