i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
you never un-have a 4some
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
