I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
