Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just high enough for therapy.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
