I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize