Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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