If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
