I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
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Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
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your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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