I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
