the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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