Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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