I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
