dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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