Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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