I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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