If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
