The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
