and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
