I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
