she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
